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Dads With Swag

Episode · 3 years ago

Jeff Becker Tender Lions

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Live in studio we have co author of Tender Lions Jeff Becker. Sean and Jeff talk about pron, social media, laying the foundation to be a great dad and much much more. tenderlions.org haute-auto.com pearcefamilyfoundation.com

You are now about to witness the strength of street knowledge. You're listening to dads with Swag, where your coach Shawn has the tools to help you navigate some of lifes ups and downs. Let's do it. Whether you're trying to balance work in life, going through a difficult time in marriage or trying to manifest that perfect mate, Shaun can get you from where you are to where you want to be. Loving husband and dadded two amazing girls. Your coach Shaun can help you Trin your dreams into goals and make them a reality. No more faking change. Is kind of start making change with the swaggy's out of them all, your coach Seawan. What is welcome back to another great episode of Dad's with Swag. We're coming at you live from the dad's with Swag Studio. Live in studio today we have co author of tender Lions, Jeff Becker. WHAT'S UP, Jeff? How you doing? Man? Good have it. Are Good to be here. Appreciate you. Have the dude a jeff and I. Just so everybody knows, this is the second time we recorded this episode. The first time, man, we had some huge technical difficulty, so jeff was gracious enough to come on back to the studios and record this one more time. Jeff, tell the audience a little bit about yourself. Where you're from, your back ground and stuff like that. From Chicago, you know, just kind of came out here, as am called my little sabbatical, and I was twenty four at the time and I told my mom, Hey, I'm going to go start this basketball program with my friend and sleep on my buddy's couch and get paid five hundred a month, and he graciously took me in and my mom said okay, and I told her I'd be back in four months. And six and a half years later, here we are, you know, blessed to make it a full time job when I get to wear shorts and a t shirt every day. There you go, man, Arizona has a strange way of like locking people vortex. Dude, it just want to get here. You're like wait, once you get through that first summer, you're like, all right, it's horrible, but it's not that bad the winter and we're not like laying roof or nothing like that. or so it's like it's not as bad as it could be. And then everything's just so less expensive here, costs of living so great. You're like, HMM, do I really want to go back? Like yeah, it's bananas, man, it's the black vortex. It is definitely so. You just authored a book the tender lions, building the vital relationship between father and son. Tell us a little bit about the book. Yep, you know, it's started as just a father son story and in the book we focus on something that happened as a personal story with with my father and our family. You know, carries this kind of demon, this burden inside of him for years and eventually kind of looks at himself in the mirror and says I can't live with myself, can't be the man that I say that I'm supposed to be, without telling my family and my spouse what's going on. And it kind of is a guide of if we could do it all over again, what we would do different to build a father son relationship, to grow a better young man, to make sure that there is a huge importance of the father figure in a son's life. Obviously we are. My father and I are better than ever in our relationship is great and our families closer than ever, but we had some dark, deep days that obviously we'll talk about through the podcast, but it's kind of a cool guide book that we talked about anything and everything in a very raw and real dialog. So the father son relationships a huge topic. You can't write about...

...every single aspect of that in a book. It'd be like MMM, you know, twenty thousand pages long, be like warn peace all over again. How did you guys decide what made it into the book and what ended up on that cutting room floor? It's been a you know, we've never written a book and you know, we just kind of said, hey, let's let's just do what we think we need to douse. We don't have a guideline or what we thought so we just started with stories, on memories and good and bad, you know, ugly and beautiful, and we kind of started sorting that into a guideline, from the state of fatherlessness to how important fathers are, to letting your kids fail, to competitive parents within athletics and academics, to sex and pornography to, you know, we try to kind of have this wide range of everything that you can talk about and some comfortable, some very uncomfortable. But, as we kind of all know, in relationships you got to have all these types of conversations to make sure you know your son or daughter, spouse, loved one as well rounded. Yeah, definitely. So you touched on competitiveness. How and you part of your profession is in basketball and training these young kids. And me, as a d attitude daughters, I got like the opposite end of it, because my daughter, I've tried to get both of them into basketball, basketball and golf. So I played baseball and once you hit twenty two, twenty four years old, baseball skills are of absolutely no more value to you in life at all. They become utterly useless. Basketball skills, you could always shoot hoops by yourself, you know, you go to the gym and there's always at least one or two people. You could play a little pick up, play some Horse Golf, you could go hit golf ball. Like baseball, there's nothing you can do right like by yourself. So I have these useless skills. So I try to get my daughters into golf or basketball. They didn't take to it too much. But so we're more of a dance family, right. Yeah, and we got these dance MOMS. They're like Uber Competitive and Uber what age again, my oldest is fourteen exactly, and these parents put it's like the same crazy ones, like since the kids were like six, right. And and the funny thing about it is like I see somebody's dance moms and I'm like, and I know I'm superficial and I'm probably going to get some heat on social media for this, but they don't appear like they had ever dance to day right, life, right. I'm like, you don't have the a typical body of a Ballerina, but yet you up here like your kids, like the next coming of the, you know, Prima Ballerina and shit. So it kind of like do you find that? Because for me it's like I kind of have to set my daughter's expectations right. I'm like, look, the more effort you put into it, the better you will be at this activity that you're doing. Will you likely be the Prima Ballerina on Broadway or something like that, or be a roquette? She might be a roquette because she got some height, so she got really long legs. Not I think about that, but the odds are like slim to not just like making it to the NBA or making it to the NFL. So I kind of. I have to like set her expectations like, Hey, you know what, twenty years from now, you might not want to be a starving dancer in New York. You might want to be a powerful attorney, you know, being able to pay your bills and have an eye ouse. Do you find that with with parents and basketball parents or other athletic of parents, where it's like they are trying to live vicariously through their kids...

...and setting these like outrageous expectationslutely? You know, and that's a hard sad part about this, is it doesn't matter if it's a dancer, baseball, basketball, football. So many parents live VI curiously through their kid, whether they know it or not. And what I always say is my phrases, you have to utilize will take basketballs a example. We have to utilize basketball as a tool for life. What have you learned through the sport that creates a better person, a better young man, a better young woman five hundred and ten, twenty, thirty years from now? You know, I've worked from nine year olds, ten year olds to NBA all stars. You know around the country of hell camps, you know throughout the world, and it's all the same and but it's you really have. It's a very fine line between, you know, how what are they learning through the sport, with teamwork and competition and mental toughness, fighting through fatigue. You know, Camaraderie, chemistry, attitude, those are the things, those are the tools that will carry you through life and I believe I am a product of basketball and I was literally just listen to a podcast on the way here and his phrase was I am beyond in debt to the game of basketball because what it is given me, and I truly believe that it's from the six experiences, the situations and how it has developed me as a young man and I think as a parent, you need to look at that. It's not about wins and losses, it's not about, you know, getting the most follows, followers on social media or the clothes they where. It's about what did they learn five hundred and ten, fifteen, twenty years from now, they're not going to remember if they won the game on July fourteen, but they probably will remember the moments, the situations, the attitudes and behaviors of their teammates, are coaches and, unfortunately, sometimes their parents. Definitely, it's funny because I remember when Obama first got elected and he started playing basketball at the White House. People were like, you know, what do you that's kind of weird. What's that about? And he had made a comment that I never really thought of before. He's like you can tell a lot about a man, both businesswise, family wise and character wise, by how he plays pickup basketball. And once I heard that, I started playing pick up basketball with the whole new set of eyes. And the truth to that is on point, so on point, like, I've never thought of that one. So I looked at it. I'm like, holy cow. I'm like, in business you are probably just as shady as you are calling these ticky tacky frouser saying you weren't fould or but you everybody knows the ball was out, but you're arguing it is in. I'm like, I don't want to do business with you. Or, on the contrary, the energy giver, the Great Team, exactly. Yeah, the role player. Yeah, it's like it was so crazy. I heard that and I'm like that's what as parents, I think we need to instill, whether it's through dance or athletics, but it's these kind of conversations that fathers and sons need to have. Yeah, to be able to, you know, help build that character, to to to get that that model citizen that we're all at the end of the day. When you're a parent and you have kids, at the end of the day you want your kids to be a model citizen. Yep, you want to be able to sit back and say that's my kid. And so it's it's these conversations that we have to have throughout adolescence, throughout childhood, throughout teen years and adult years, that that are going to help raise that MMM, those effects. So we're going to take a quick break and we'll be back in a few minutes with Jeff sit tight. Now back to dad's was...

...swag with your host, Shaun up ons. Are you in the market for a pre owned car, starting to feel stressed out about getting ripped off of your time and money from the dealership? Then hot auto is a spot for you. Hot Atto is the nation's best VIP car concierges without the VIP prices. You pick the car you want and the price you want to pay, fill out all your paperwork via Docu Sign Online, get the car shipped to your homer office, then start enjoying your new car without stepping foot in a dealer ship. If, before two hundred miles or fourteen days, you aren't a hundred percent satisfied with your car, will come pick it up and get you something else. If you have a trade in, hot auto will pay five hundred dollars over any written offer. hit up hot auto today online at hot and AUTOCOM or on the gram at hot underscore auto. Tell Him Dad's what swag sent you and get those doc fees waved once again. That's hot AUTOCOM, or on the gram at hot underscore auto. Tell Him Dad's with swag sent you and get free doc fees. Welcome back to dad's with swag. Check us out on itunes and please subscribe, Vibe, rate and review the show. We need all the love we can get. You can find all our past episodes on Dad's with swagcom. Follow us on social media at your coach, Shawn, and if you have any questions or show ideas or you want to come on the show, email me at Sean at Sean alfonsocom. Welcome back to dad's with swag. We're live in the studio here with coauthor of tender lions, Jeff Becker. Jeff. Pornography comes up in a number of chapters in the book. Why is that such a prevalent topic? I think it's so accessible nowadays. You know, I think back, you know, I won't call you old, but older eras, especially in my father's time, it was this secret, it was provocative, it was hidden. With the Internet, with social media, the you know, industries of marketing where sex cells so much, it's so accessible now it's scary, it's manipulative, it's in your face, you know, and it's very hard to filter or stop. And that's not just that's for grownup adults, but also to the youngest age groups. It's it's frightening kind of this era were in. Yeah, definitely. It's crazy because, you know, me growing up in San Francisco, which is a very sex positive city. I know, like in the late S, you know, when I was in high school, early S, we would, you know, get fake ID's. That said, we're eighteen to be able to go to like Al Capones on, you know, market street and you know these like nasty ass strip clubs. It like now you look back, I'm like, the only reason they let us in is because this is like the slimiest place in the world, or like even a little younger. Like everybody's got that uncle and you'd go to their house and like take a peek of their playboys and buys like that. But now, so you had that kind of like put in some work and put in like a little, you know, effort to be able to access pornographere. Or you know, if you had that one friend who was like a little bit more advanced or a little bit older, came from a different neighborhood or a different school and they would kind of enlighten you a little bright.

But now everybody, every kid pretty much globally has a device in her hand. They have access to unlimited, unfiltered pornography and as parents, I know like we try to put in these filters and these alerts and all these APPs and different things that we can do to try to combat this. However, it's like the kids are always one step ahead of us right comes to technology. I kind of wonder sometimes are the youth today and we won't know for like, like we have talked about in the previous episode, we won't know for like fifteen to twenty years, like what these effects are. They just going to be so desensitized that it's going to be like an everyday thing, like a man seeing a naked pair of breasts. You know, will be so desensitized. It isn't be like, okay, whatever, I've seen that a million times. Right. So maybe sexual assaults will go down or, you know, a jepification of women will go down and things of that nature, because they're like okay, been, they're done. As kind of like the amount you drink when you're twenty versus like twenty two. Right, when you're twenty and you can't do it, it's like guy's limit, but once you're twenty two you're like, I got better things to do in my life. Feel like get hammered every single day of the week. Or is it going to be like this huge, you know, sex addict society where people are just so enthralled and engrossed? You know, it's a weird topic. It's it's a hard topic. It's a weird topic, you know. So for the listeners will kind of rewind. You know, the story is in it. The the bomb that was kind of dropped wasn't was my dad, you know, did talk about how he was unfaithful and looking at a lot of pornography and got a date to to pornography, you know, and it almost caused, you know, the marital break up and our family to break but but that's kind of the the background of tender lines and the personal story with my family. But from kind of where we're talking about with this era. It's so seductive, it is so addictive. You know, we're talking about a teenagers. It could affect them, is it could affect us, you know, twenty, thirty, fourty year olds, same thing. You know, it took my dad years. He still goes recovery meetings, you know, and it's interesting. He came to me and he keeps telling me, you know, he goes the Theo how powerful and addictive the chemical changes in your brain is because of pornography or masturbation. He goes it's as addictive as heroin. And people don't realize that. And you know, we've all looked and seen and had our you know, mental battles. But when it's soon, as soon as I kind of heard of heroin, I'm like, Oh, this is some much more serious, manipulative, aggressive stuff that I was never knew and I don't think the population as a norm knows how serious this issue could be. Yeah, and I think also there's a there's still a huge stigma with pornography and with sexual addictions and things of that nature. Were like mainstream society is like, Oh, you're just trying to take like the tiger woods way out of it. You know, your wife caught you and you're just trying to make these excuses, when in fact, there people could be addicted to all kinds of shit. They could be food addictions, drug addictions, alcohol addictions, and that's one of the things that, as a society, we need to watch out for as well. Like sex and pornography, this stuff can be addicting. You can start like, you know, doing some research before our previous interview. You know, I was...

...reading about guys who would like Masturbate Multiple Times a day's pornography. How can you carry on like a decent relationships little or you know, and or be productive at your career? HMM. And then when you take an into consideration the psychological aspects, like I could have sex in my brain way better than I ever can with a physical human being, because the Shit I could do in my brain, like I could last for hours in my brain. I can't last for hours, you know, with my wife. So now it's like, well, shoot, I might just rather be up here and not not deal with that, you know, or or deal with the maybe, especially like as relationships grow. You know, I hear from a lot of my clients it's like, you know, I'd be afraid to try to start to initiate sex because I'd be afraid that she would reject to me or she be like, Oh, I'm not in the mood today, and after a dude, here's that. Oh, I'm not in the mood today, I'm not in so many times he's gonna be like, I'm going to stop trying right, you know. So then it's just you fall back into these other other patterns. So it is something, man. I want everybody out there to know that, like you know, it is something that can be addicting in sex itself. Yeah, these endorphins go off in your brain and is stronger than Harrow. It's just like, you know. That's why people like it so much, right it it makes you look at things differently. It masks your real emotions. I think in psychologically it's a facade. You know, we were talking of you. You're just saying. You know, what you see on a screen or what you imagine it makes you treat your significant other probably lesser because they don't emulate or live up to the fantasies that maybe you're expecting. It is it is, I think, it just a very hidden but manipulative and seductive and aggressive, you know, demon. That's that's starting to be exposed, you know, and I would say the same as with social media, you know, and being on your phone. It's it's starting to be, you know, an issue for sure for this era. Yeah, that's going to be the net that's going to be the next big time addiction recovery. You're going to see, you know, screen time recovery centers popping up all over the world, because that's a that's a huge that's a huge addiction screen time. I know at least you know the dad of a teenager it. It affects our family all the time, like I have to put limits on when and how and how long they could be on screen time. You know, we do no screen time parties where kids got to come over and you know, it's kind of like the car key parties. Once they get like to sixteen and above, it's like, Nope, leave your keys in the basket because you're not driving to you pass this breathalyzer test. Right. It's kind of the same thing. Put Your, you know, electronic devices in the basket and you got to go out and play. You got to go swimming, hang out, talk to each other, you know, converse, and not just because if you get five, you know, teenagers together, you're just going to see five kids sitting on their phone. Absolutely, we're it's funny doing this episode again because it's like we're talking about the same stuff, but it's like what we had said before. It's like you can get, you know, five kids that have never met each other and put them in a room together and they'll all be on their phones and they'll probably exchange social media handles and chat on social media before they actually chatting person right, and they're like two feet away from it. Absolutely, you know. So it's bananas. How you know, social media just seems...

...to be having a larger and larger effect on kids and adults. What advice do you have for dad's regarding social media and things like that? You know, social media can be good, but I think a majority of the time, especially when kids are so young. They want to be they want to be the cool thing, they want to fit in, they want to look and dress and be like everybody else. But but in kind of what what scares me, and something I think that advice for parents is we have to know that social media is there to make money. You know, they want viewers, they want eyes. What's popular, quote unquote popular with Social Media, usually is not the morally correct, the put yourself on a high pedestal, hold yourself extremely accountable. Usually the quote unquote popular thing that gets the most viewers is something that's very idiotic, im moral, the meaning degrading. We've all we know it, we've saw seeing it. It all hits our eyes and we can't stop watching it. But, you know, I think it's it's something we have to teach our kids that there's a big difference between, quote unquote, what's popular and what social media wants you to see in what the real world is of being what a young man and a young woman supposed to be like. Definitely, definitely, it's crazy, just just the you know, on social media. To me, what jumps out so much is just the fakeness of it all. Like, you know, my daughter looks up to somebody's social media. People these and you know, socalled influencers and they they start to develop these like, you know, sell soft sabotaging views of themselves because they're like, well, how come I can't be that skinny or right? How come my body can't look like that, or how come, you know, I can never do my makeup as great as they can do their making up, and it's like, first of all, I think, especially like with instagram and stuff like that, you have to realize that a lot of these professionals they're doing multiple takes, they're using studio lighting there, you know, they have makeup artists and probably some filters. There's a lot of filters. My wife and her friend were just showing me this APP. We were in Mexico. They were showing me this apt man, I'm not going to be aild a meminame of it. It was called like face tune or something like that, and it's actually an APP that you could put a picture in and you can shrink your body, enhance your boobs, like, make your head a different size, like completely change the photo and then post it on instagram. I'm like, are you fucking kidding? It right like this is crazy. It goes back to almost like porn it's a facade, it's a mask, it's fake, you know. And if we talk about parenting and kids, even ourselves, holding ourselves accountable is what does that have to say about character and integrity and what's truth and the values and the morals of who you are and what you want to stand for what your kids want to stand for? It's tough, you know, but but there can be very positive, you know, it can be you can learn a lot about, you know, things or businesses, marketing. You know, there's there is a niche, but it's usually you have to search and you have to cut corners and really find the right profiles. I guess you can say that are educational and there for the right reasons, but it's definitely not the mainstream, right in your face stuff that hits you. Yeah, it's very hard to find a good thing for social media. You know what I'm saying? Like, yeah, for my podcast and stuff like that, I got to throw things on social media to try to get some listeners and things...

...that that nature, but it seems like only like once a year will something like really positive come out of social media. You know, like it. Maybe it's once every two years, like I remember like that ice bucket challenge. Yeah, things like that like every so now they got like that bottle cap challenge thing that they're doing. So it's like every so often something really positive will come out. But for DAD's out there that are looking for just a cool, authentic, real social media account to go visit, go hit up will Smith. Have you seen? We saw the social media dude is just legit. Like him and his wife both like I like Jada's Youtube Channel, the Red Table Man. They just keep it real. Yeah, and you can tell like, and I'm sure like they got some fake shit in their marriage and they got their own problems. But like their kid just turned twenty one the other day and for his birthday him and his friends went out and like served food on skid row. Like that's pretty cool. You got to have some pretty good parenting to have your kids do that stuff right. And then you got, you know, other people it's like for their twenty one birthday they're, you know, showing the brand new car they gotten. All these expectations for youth that just they're unattainable and they're unrealistic and all of those things. Just bring you know, momentary, momentary happiness. Yep, we're going to take one quick break and pay some bills with some of our sponsors and we're going to come right back with Jeff Becker, the CO author of tender lions. Now that to dad's with swag with your host Shaw Up Onso. I love to get back to charity. Sometimes I find it hard to just cut a big check. I get so busy with the wife and kids. I'm more of a set it and forget it kind of guy. That's why I love the Angel Club. I can pick the amount I want taken out of my checking account every month. I never see the money, so I never miss the money and I could always feel good knowing I'm giving back every month. If you want to join the Angel Club, just go to Pierce Family Foundationcom. Welcome back to dad's with swag. Check us out on itunes and please subscribe, rate and review the show. We need all the love we can get. You can find all our past episodes on Dad's with swagcom. Follow us on social media at your coach, Shawn, and if you have any questions or show ideas or you want to come on the show, email me at Sean at Sean alfonsocom welcome back to Dad's with swag. We got coauthor of tender lions, Jeff Becker, live in the studio. Jeff, I want to talk about the me to movement and the numerous incidences of sexual harassment that are these seem to be in the news like almost daily. How do you teach or raise your son to be a man, like a true man, in this in this volatile environment? Well, I think there's two things. Is One. That's exactly what tenderlions is. You know, whether that's a male, female, young or old. We want to be a tender line, we want to be a line, we want to be strong, want to be a leader, we want to be tough, determine competitive, you know, we want to also be able to understand what tender is, you know, being a be understanding of your emotions, be kind, have great morals and values and be tender. And you have to know when to be tender. You have no one to be aligned. Have to be strong and to be vulnerable, and I think that that's number...

...one. Number two is, I think you have to live that. You know, I viewed my mom and my dad be affectionate, and vulnerable and have hard conversations, but at the same time I want to do that being around basketball players all the time. You know, I want to make sure that I show them, through my relationship with my fiance, what it means to be a tenderline as well. Man, I love that title tender line. It's like and I actually I even used it when I was at when I was on vacation in Mexico. I can't remember, it came up in conversation. I was telling somebody about our conversation and to me it's just it's such an awesome metaphor. Like in everyday life there are moments where you need to be tender and you need to be soft spoken and you need to be loving and you need to be caring and you need to be warm. MMM. But then there are also moments where you need to be a lion and you need to just rip Shit Up, protect your family, like, let people know that you can't be walked on, let people know that you can't be taken advantage of. There are these moments where you need to roar and let people know that who you are and right, that you do have a voice, right. So it to its just an awesome, awesome, awesome name for a book and we had, like we've spoken to other episodes. There are when people go through job interviews and they say, if you could be an animal, what kind of animal would you be? You know, I was used to tell people I'd be a bear, because you could be kind of cuddily and warm, but then you can just, you know, be aggressive and hard and, you know, kill people. But anybody out there who gets this question in the future you need to say a tender lion, because that is the greatest answer you like known to men. Appreciate, but you know this, this me to movement. Man, it's really tough because I know, you know, as the dad of daughters, you know I get people all the time, especially since Bella is going to start dating and you know, a lot of kids rage of already started dating, and people have been asked me for the last few years like hey, you know, when Bella starts dating or you going to have like the boxing gloves hanging on the wall? You know, you're going to have like the Glock in your waistband, like like, what are you going to do to help her through this time when these boys start calling and knocking on the door and I'm like, I tell people at a time like no, I'm not going to do any of that stuff because hopefully I've raised my daughter to this point to be able to make the right choices herself, to be able to know the difference between right and wrong and respect and disrespect. Like we do something. I've done this since a young age with my girls. We keep the childlocks on. My daughters do not get out of the car unless I come and open their doors, and I've told them from day one, if a boy does not come and open your door for you, you wait thirty seconds. If he still ain't open your door, you call yourself an Hubert and you just get home because he's not worth your time. Like, I'm all, I'm all for women's Lib and the Women's movement and all that stuff, but at the end of the day it's a respect thing, yep. And if the young man can't respect you enough to open your door, then why do you think he's going to respect you enough during dinner? Yeah, or at that dance or at that movie or anything like that? I think it. I think it also is you know, you talked about you've had conversations or you you've talked to them or, you know, taught them this, but I also think that I would suspect that you would and your wife have emulated that. You've lived that and they watch and they, whether you know, parents, listen to this, because kids are watching you and whether good, bad and different. You know, whether you think either or not. They...

...are watching your movements, how you're interacting on the phone with your significant other. You know whether you're having too much to drink, too much to eat. All that stuff is being processed in their brain, whether you know it or not. So I think it just starts with your actions and how you're treating others as well. Yeah, there's a quote, and I can't remember who, who the guy was who first said it, but there's a famous quote that says children rarely listen to what you say, but always watch what you do. Absolutely and it is definitely the truth. And know I do that my wife. She won't get out of the car unless I open to the GER and and it's funny too because like even when my daughters have friends and we pick them up, you know we're going here and there. They'll tell her friends, don't open the door yet, don't open the door, yet mamdadd'll get mad. So it is. It's it's consistency thing. It's showing them. You know, I'd try not to raise my voice at my wife. I try not to raise my voice at my daughter's now I say try because you know, I am a man of faith and I fail as much as I succeed. I don't want my listeners to think I'm like some perfect dude that doesn't yell and scream and I have some great merit dude. My wife and I we argue, we fight, we disagree. We try to show alter the kids from that as much as possible, but then we also try to involve them as much as possible in our disagreements because we also want them to see that this shit happens like. It's not always like rainbows and Unicorn Right. Sometimes there's disagreements and sometimes we got to let the kids know a you know what, wife and I were just arguing about this. Because of this, this became the resolution. We apologize, but it had to be done and sometimes disagreements and arguments need to be hashed out to be able to get to a resolution. So, yes, I do yell at my kids. Yes, I do argue with my wife. You know, yes, I do honking traffic like I'm a normal dude. Jesus died from my grace and I am thankful for that every single day because without that I would be a mess, definite mess. But what else about raising a man do think it takes to make him respect women more? That's a great question. I think it is. You know, there's kind of the phrase of your product of the five people you hang around the most or whatever. Yeah, you know, if I look back on my time it it's I see my father, but the coaches in your life, the friends in your life, the teachers in your life. You got to make sure that it's not just your you and your parent, or your parents and your kids. It takes a community, it takes a village and I think as parents you have to know who your kids are surrounded by and that's it's it's a fine line. It's a hard line, especially as they get older. They want to sneak around and do whatever and push those boundaries. But I think it's okay to push back a little as well and not be so flexible. But I do think that it's not just you and you can't do it on your own. It's okay to be vulnerable and ask for help, but but I do think it takes a village and takes a community to truly raise raise a child into a man or a woman. Yeah, definitely, and I think that's why it's important to that you kind of, you know, check out the extracurricular activities, you know that your kids are doing in life. I know when when I pick the school for my kids, they had these five keys...

...to success that I really liked and I wanted my kids to emulate those as well. In the same thing, you know, when we pick their dance company or you know, whether it's their sport coaches or things like that. Like you always want to find an organization that is integrity driven, like both of my kids are. Did girl scouts and things like that. You know, the Church that we pick, make sure that they have a strong group, yeah, and strong youth pastors and things of that nature, because the people that you allow your kids to surround themselves with are going to influence them as well. Absolutely. Those people don't show your sons to respect women or show your daughters to demand respect, then you know this, me too, Shit's just going to keep on growing and growing and growing absolutely. Jeff, what are what are two or three things that you want to make sure everybody takes away from our conversation today? Who? I think, first and foremost, the importance of a father and a kid's life, and I think it's one of the most, if not the most, influential thing that impacts the kid or impacts your child or your son down the road to it's you know, we had a lot of deep dark days as a family and the especially obviously my father. But any relationship can be repaired. But I think it takes both. I think it takes a vulnerability commune, a lot of communication, a lot of hard conversations. And three, something we talked about in the first episode was whether you're religious or not. In the Bible talks about the truth will set you free, and John Eight thirty two, the truth will set your free is a lot of us are holding this baggage, this demons, is dark something inside of us, whether that's an addiction, a problem, something and by he's seeking that, that fear, by finding that fear and facing that fear, you actually find freedom and it's almost a relief off your chest, off your shoulders. It's okay to be vulnerable, but I think you have to find that freedom by first facing that fear. For, most importantly, yeah, it's crazy, man, especially as men. Yeah, like, it is so hard to be vulnerable. It's so hard to ask for help, you know, whether it be it could be even things like finances or business like. You know you're afraid to tell anybody that you didn't close this huge deal, or you know you're afraid to tell people that you know you're nervous about your next case, or you know there's been some layoffs at the plant and you're nervous about getting cut right. All these little things are important to talk to your spouse about, because they easier it is for you to talk about these little things, the easier it is to talk about these big things. But as men, we sometimes just hold so much in because we don't want to burden our family that, you know, it just eats us up and in that shame, in that you know that fear, man, it just it just holds us down. But you're absolutely right, man, once you shine a light on it and you just spilled the truth. Yeah, it not only is it a huge relief for you, but it allows you to then get in combat mode and start picking up the pieces and start making a game plan to how to go about the future instead of constantly living in the past and having this secret or this shame hold you back. Absolutely know, just and for any dude out there that's thinking about, you know, possibly you know, divulging some secrets to their spouse or their family. You know, I would recommend just taking the BANDAID approach...

...to it. Don't try to beat around the Bush, don't try to sugarcoat it. Just go in, sit down and just say it. Just spill it la absolutely all at once, and then don't don't try to like piecemeal it together to like don't try to say this little bit, see what kind of reaction you get and then say, oh well, then and this and that, like just do it all at once, clear your conscious completely and and just feel all of that weight in that entire monkey off your back. Man. Yeah, well, in the book we talked about the three h's and it's something that my dad and I kind of talked about. Was When my dad's talked to my mom. You know, the first and foremost my dad had to get humble, and the three ages are humble, help and honesty and he had to get humble with himself. He hated the man that he saw in the mirror every day. So we had to get humble, head to get vulnerable with himself. And then number two, he had to get honest. He had get honest with himself. He got honest with his spouse, you know, my mom and our family. And then he had to get help. You had to seek help and it's okay to get humble, to get honest and to get help. And I think that's the last thing is, if you have these demons or whatever's holding you back or holding you down, it's okay to not know the answer and to ask for help and to say, Hey, I need you, I'm in you know, I'm dark, I'm in a dark place. I'm and I need your help and I need you to be honest with me. And how can we move forward into the future to make sure this doesn't happen again? Definitely, definitely, man, Jeff, let my audience know how they can reach you. Yeah, everything that you you can find on our website, tenderlines dot org. You know, we have podcasts. Shout out to dad's with swag, but we have our podcast, we have some other statistics. We have speech engagements, everything on there again, tenderlines dot org. And then what if somebody wants to get the book? Yeah, it's easily accessible on the website. Or usually, you know, just like every other reader in the world, they go to Amazon. That Amazon, Dude. It's world domination really is hands any closing thoughts? Anything? Any last thoughts you want to give the audience? You know, what I would say is I'll give a quick story of one of the chapters is called time matters, and what I truly if I look back on me and my father's relationship and the good, in the bad and the ugly time matters. My Dad put in time to shoot hoops play catch. I call it the seven minute story where, you know, we I'd go outside and helping barbecue the burghers and he'd set the timer for seven minutes and I knew that you had seven minutes to had to flip the burghers, but I would go bother him to play catch, to barbecue, to but those memories have lasted in me, you know, fifteen, twenty years, decades later. It's the experiences that you can spend not just physically be there, mentally and emotionally and psychologically for your son or daughter as well. Definitely, definitely. You know, DAD's would swag isn't just a name, but it's a lifestyle. It's a way of leading your family, leading your children, leading yourself in your community, and this book tender lions. Man. You guys, have to go check it out, read this book. This will help you kick up your swag level because, guys, this is the most important thing in your life is raising your children right, making sure that your son is a man of high character, a man of quality, a man that will give respect demand respect, a man it is...

...self accountable and has a compass, that a moral compass that just is tuned north. And then also, dad's of daughters, you have to realize that your daughter is going to marry a man just like you. If you treat your wife like Shit, you treat your daughter like Shit, she is guaranteed to marry a man that is going to treat her like shit and then you're going to feel like shit. So make sure that you emulate the man that you want your daughter to marry and that, I guarantee, every dude out there, every dad out there, wants their daughter to marry a gentleman, someone that is compassionate and respectful and is a tender Lyon right. Everybody wants their daughter to marry a tender lion, somebody that can protect them, someone that can provide for them, someone that can help them when they need it, but then also somebody who can cuddle with them, can wipe the tears with them and watch a romantic comedy with them, because at the end of the day, you know, that's all they like to do. So, guys, I just implore you get this book tender lions. Jeff, thank you so much for coming into studio. We really appreciate having you here, man, for the second time, because the recording got jacked up the first so I just appreciate it. Man, thank you very much. Thank you so much and we out. Thanks for listening to DAD's MISWAG. Check out new episodes every Thursday or go to dad's MIS swagcom download past episodes.

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