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Dads With Swag
Dads With Swag

Episode 33 · 2 months ago

Who's day is Mothers day?

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Sean has guest Ron Sesenti live in the studio to chat about Mothersday. When does it change from being all about your mom. To all about your childs mom?

You are now about to witness the strength of street knowledge. You listening to dance with Swag, but we keeping real non topics. Whether you're a first time parent or five time grand parents, this is the show bring you you let's go. So kick back, relax, and here's your host. This this SWAGGI's dead evolved son, El Fun. So what is up? Welcome back to another episode of Dad's with Swag. We're coming at you live from the dad's with Swag Studio. I got my good Buddy Ron Settemi in the house from New Jersey. What up? What up? What up? Man All the way from Jersey coming at us. We got a good show for you. Guys. Today we're going to talk mother's Day. Bonus Mother's Day. How do you navigate multiple families and like divorced parents and all that kind of stuff, and family gatherings, whether it's, you know, divorced on these are not. How do we navigate all that stuff in this day and age? You know, multiple families coming under one roof for the holidays? So, Ron, how did your mother's Day got? How do you tell us about that? Yeah, we know. When I saw you, you know, we we talked about this a little bit. I said I'm gonna have to see you on the other side of that Mother's Day. I hope I get there. I couldn't think about the other side of that Mother's Day other than I needed to. I just need to get to that point. It was but we made it through. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but it had the potential of going there. You know, that's the potential kid just going sideway. Any UH. Yeah, it was like the whole year, for me at least, because I have an interesting dynamic, is that Mother's Day was think of it like a roller coaster clicking along towards its maximum point at the top, and it's just a slow grind towards towards this day. It was almost like, you know, when you were younger and you had the Valentine's Day with a you know, with a with significant other, and you knew you had the whole year to plan for Valentine's Day, but it is a very good chance that you're going to mess it up. Oh yeah, and then you're done for. That's right, you're screwed for the rest of the year. That's right. Making it up for that Mother's Day that's right. You Lick in your wounds for the rest of the year. It's kind of the same thing with like anniversaries, I think now, like once you're married, in these anniversaries it's like you, you, you have to get it somewhat right, and it doesn't mean like fancy jewels or this or that. It's the effort. They want this like undefined effort and they're like, oh no, we're fine with anything, but if you don't put in like a certain amount of effort on these anniversaries, it can go to shit real quick. So how how'd your mother's Day go? How did the day itself? Right? How did that day, that day, go for you guys? I woke up nice and early, you know, and and we played it right. We did a catered event this year, you know, so that we took a little bit of stress off of the household, but didn't. It didn't. It took some stress off, but it was it. We still had a lot of set up and take down to do and everybody was coming over at about thirty. But I just knew that there was so much apprehension, so much tension in the air, and I've got, you know, I've got come from a divorced...

...family. I've got, you know, my father's remarried, my my mother is not. She's a recent transplant out here and and she, and I think she holds a lot, a lot of a lot of stress inside and a lot of attachment to the past and with a lot of difficulty letting that go. And and others don't. So she comes there preloaded, you know, and everybody else comes there sort of trying to just forget about the past and not bring it with them, and I think it's very difficult for her to sort of check that at the door. Yeah, so that was was, you know, weighing on me big time and the whole family, to be honest with you. I mean, you know, my my wife's really understanding. She, you knows, there comes from a massive family and and her parents are still married, but she understands it, you know, dynamic a divorce and that kind of thing, and we just wanted to make it a good day for our daughter and that's really what it was about and we were going to do anything possible to make sure that that any of our baggage, if you will, was going to be just wasn't going to be visible to her and she was going to come out the other end of it remembering whether's Day and remembering this is being a good day for her. That was the most important thing. Yeah, definitely. It's crazy how these events like when you when you have divorce and your family, you never know, like, who your child is going to get close to, right, like I know for a fact, like and it makes and the thing about it is like, you know, you're a little older, so it might make it a little easier for you, but for my girls, they're young, not that young, but they're still relatively young, and they and I know it because I could feel it and I can sense it, and you're just in tune with her children, that it's a challenge for them to show my current wife too much love, right, because they feel that it is betraying their mom. You know, if I were love my stepmom, if I if we love Megan too much, it's a betrayal to our mother. And I see that all the time with these poor kids, because they are, you know, Megan has been in their life for so long. They are attached to her and they do look up to her and they do love her and they do care about her and all this stuff, but it's that constant drama, like, you know, when they asked her for help or, you know, even on Mother's Day, like you know, they kind of go the long way around because they don't want to, you know, piss off their mom and it's like, you know, she kind of like the same thing, is so insecure that you know she can't handle it, just not at all. Yeah, that means a lot of I mean what you said is so is so, so true. I mean I remember growing up and when my stepmother enter the picture and there was a string of years where I wouldn't show her any affection in the sense that I wouldn't I wouldn't give her a kiss, would not give her a kiss skod morning or good night or hug her in front of anybody else, because I felt like I was somehow silently disrespecting my mother and and it was a very that was sort of I think there was a very tense thing for my you know, for my dad and my stepmom and and my unwillingness to do that. But deep down inside I really wanted to, you know, but I felt like I was just somehow or another, stepping on my you know, the relationship I had with my own mother by doing that, and I mean it was I was, I was a kid. In you, and even in when you're an adult, you have these sort of rules that you live by, these sort of you almost call them silly, silent rules, this code that you that you just go down the road with and and and you think about it sometimes to night and I just laugh at myself sometimes about just the rules I have for myself, just the I mean, the silliest stuff. And meanwhile, that...

...was one of those rules back then when I was a kid, and and I took it very seriously. It took me a long time to be able to just give her a kiss in the CHEEKO. Yeah, it's funny. I watch Megan and Bella, my oldest, do that dance all the time, like they both want to say I love you, they both want to be affectionate and hug and kiss, but neither one of them has, I guess, the courage to be the first right, to be the first one to do it. Now Ava, the younger one, her and Megan are like, I love you, Kissy, Kissy, because that's avas mentality. Like she'll give anybody a hug right because that's kind of like her physical touch is like one of her love languages. HMM. But Bella and Megan do this like weird dance and it's like, I'm like, you two are knuckleheads because you both love and carry about each other so much. Like just say it. It's not, you know, it's not the end of the world. They'll get to this point in time where where the air's sort of cleared on that and I think it'll probably end up bringing them closer together. But it's just gonna be the runway on. It's going to be a little longer, definitely. And if I be like a I'm assuming it's probably like after college. You know, I've like way down the road right, you know it, and that's when that will take place, when my oldest daughter has the wherewithal to realize that loving to people isn't betraying one of them. Like you have enough love. It's like, you know, when you have multiple kids, Oh are you going to be able to love two kids as much as you loved the first? Well, yes, and I'm able to love a third and if I had a fourth or fifth, I'd be able to love them too. That's that I mean. There you go. I mean, I mean to that point. You know, my wife's one of ten kids whole and cal you know, and and you and your her the time that her mother spends with her, you would think that she doesn't have any other children. You think that my wife is her only child. But she spends that kind of quality time with each one of her kids, holy and she makes sure that she finds the time, spends the time and communicates with them, whether it's phone facetime, my least favorite thing in the world, and or just visits in person. Right. Yeah, and so sure she was with us a mother's Day and you wouldn't think that she had any other kids. But then she excused herself and she had a you know, she went to a room and she spoke to every one of her want children separately on Mother's Day and I thought, you know, I thought that was really nice. So you can have relationships, with solid relationships, even compartmentalized relationships, with more than one person. It could be true, authentic, definitely fulfilling love relationship. So how did you set up boundaries around this mother's Day? Yeah, I mean, look, when before my mother moved out here, it's a great question. We said look. You know, I've lived at her for a look for a long time and I've had a life and a family and it involved my father, my stepmom, and so I look at it like this. It was like a it was like a train that was running, that's been running for decades, right, and and that trains moving along slowly enough so that you can jump on anytime you want. This trains running. You can jump on this train and and join on with the party. But the trains not going to stop for you and it's not going to change tracks and it's not going to go in reverse and it's not going to uncouple. It's just going to keep going straight and, in this case, West. And so so I said to her, I said look, and my wife was, you know, was really vocal about this also. She said, look, we're not going to there aren't going to be two thanksgivings, you know, there aren't going to be two holiday celebrations. There's not going to be two new year's. Is Not going to be too you need. You pick any holiday, two fourth of July's. If we decide to host something at the House. That's what we're doing and everybody's invited and we hope you'll join because it's going to be a nice time. Will make...

...sure it's a nice time, but we understand it might be challenging for you, but you gotta rip off the band aid, you know, like they say, get the first kiss out of the way and realize that nobody's going to bite, nobody's going to rough anybody up, and but you got to join us. So the boundaries were look, we understand you have your feelings and we respect those feelings and I acknowledge them and I need to just say full stop there, and you can't let those feelings run and dictate your life. You need to realize is a bigger picture here. There's people that are you know, you have your granddaughter and people of a new generation and they don't need to know anything about nor should they care, nor they should be should they be exposed to any of the noise that went on in the past. Past is the past. It's there. We all know what happened and but we need to move on. Yeah, and everybody's willing to do that. She's just a very, very, very slow role with that and I think this mother's Day was the Bandaid ripoff moment. She realized the sky wasn't going to fall if she joined up with people who she's really a strange from. Yeah, and so those the boundaries were that we're going to be doing these holidays and events, but they weren't going to be duplicate just to placate her a Ros's. Yeah, that's really what it is, because it gets, man, it gets challenging. Yeah, you know, it gets challenging with like, like you were saying, like to Christmases or two thanksgivings are you know, you spent six hours at your mom's house and only four hours at our house on x holiday. Yeah, and it's like, okay, that's crazy. Or, you know, we get a lot to like, oh, we're not going to, you know, come over if this person's there, that person's there, and it's yeah, well then don't like cool, okay, yeah, I mean this is where it's at. And and you know it. And for years, and I was just talking to wife about this, but for years we've kind of on holidays that the girls weren't with us, we kind of played around with all that. You know, we we're like okay, because we had the flexibility to do multiple things. And now that we have Pieris we're like no it, this is the place it's going to happen, this is the time it's going to happen. You either come or you don't, and if you don't, those are your lost memories, though. That's right, your lost opportunity exactly, because, like you said, the trends going to keep going down the track and yeah, we would love to have you, but we're gonna have a good time, like we're going to have fun and love and laughter and it. You know that that's the way it's going to be, because we can't keep doing these like, you know, six different Christmases, so everybody feel that they have an equal amount of time. Did you think at all about consequences if some of the boundaries were broken? Like, yeah, I mean, I was just I mean, you know, let me just just back up, just for just one second. I just say this. I mean, I know I looked at and I looked at you know, my mother's saying, you know, I might, she didn't initially she didn't want to come. She's going to say she was shall I'm not coming, I won't share Mother's Day. She said, yeah, yes, my day. I said, well, let's let's take a step back for that for a second and I said, you know, something for really when to think about it's actually our day, because without me you don't have mother's Day. Yeah, I mean, I'm not trying to throw it back at you, but it's really true. We're partners in this, you know, and if it's really my granddaughter's Day, it's a first mother and she's, you know, she's old enough now, or she's can actually be a part of it and create things and cards and gifts and share and want to be part of all of that. It's really for her and certainly to you know, respect and acknowledge, you know,...

...the grandmother's and that are in her life. But I said to her, there's okay. So they did. Just want to make sure that I understand which telling me here. I'm having an event at my house that's very nice for Mother's Day and you're telling me you're not going to come. So when? When? When we when anybody asks where you are? All right, I just wanted to just because I'm being truthful. So I just want I just want to know. I'm going to tell them that you move thirty five hundred miles across the country to be next to your son and his family. Now you live less than ten minutes away from them and he's hosting mother's Day at his house and you're not going to come because there's one or two people there who's company your is not your preferred company, and you're going to let them essentially chase you away from this event. I just want to make sure that I've got the facts set here. I just want to make sure this is what I'm going to tell my mother in law when she asks where, where you are? And she kind of thought about that for a minute and she realized how just how ridiculous that sounded, you know, and then she capitulated. She finally said she'd go. Yeah, I think she's secretly, I mean she's so such an obvious read. I think she she would probably have preferred to be someplace else, you know, being with her granddaughter and so forth. But as far as the boundaries go, we just said we almost had to break one of those boundaries or they she was trying to force me to do it, because she was trying to say to me, hey, why don't you just have this and then you can come over to my house in the afternoon just like what you know. Yeah, just yeah, I said, we're not doing that. I said because we're having this event and then we're all going to stay here, we're going swimming, we're going to hang out in the afternoon and, you know, try watch Formula One. Yeah, we're not coming over to your house. This is the event. This is one event. Like you said, it's happening here, this is where it's happening and you could drive yourself absolutely crazy trying to placate every everybody. You can't. Can't do it. And then when you have a baby or you have young children, you know that phrase. People always say it changes you. Yeah, it changes you. This is part of one of those things. It changes you. There's a new level set, there's a new Bowson town. It's the baby, it really is. And you're not going to go whipping people around a different events and different houses and and and shaking it up. And you've got the and you've got you know, especially when you got a little one like you do. You got it. You got that whole you know, one hour packup time, you know, and then you gotta and then you got to get there and it probably broughtly for falls asleep in the car and they get unwind that, and then you don't know what comes on the other side of a nap. And then there's the feeding times, and is everything else, I mean while you're being thrown on your face. Ye, just to just to play into somebody else's craziness exactly, you know, Narcissism Day. Yeah, it, and it's crazy too, because, especially like the holidays and and mother's damn particular, like it's no longer, at least for me personally, it's no longer about my mom, like, mom, you're getting flowers and that's what you're going to fucking get and plan and simple. Yeah, because now, yeah, my wife is a mother, sure, and my responsibility is to make sure that my son spoils my wife for Mother's Day. That's right, like you know that. That's it. Yeah, and even when the girls like, that was my job, you know, because they don't have ways or means to spoil their mom. So now it's like, you know, you were talking about it's like the grandmothers and all that stuff, but really, in fact, it was Maria's day, like it was. Yeah, you know, that's it was. It was, it's it. It's the the newest mom, it's there, it's their time to shine. It's their mother's Day. And and in by that same token, then why should that mother whose day it is to be, you know, honored, if you will, in the best light possible and the most loving light possible? Why should she be shaken up trying to trying to make sure to placate everybody else who's got...

...deep rooted history that spans back decades before she was even in the picture? It's insane, it is. It's crazy. It's insane, you know, and and it's just you can't hang on to the past like this, you know. I said, like you know, it's interesting, you know, for me, I mean I have a memory like a steel trap. I remember everything. I mean I startle people. I remember Shit about them that they don't even remember about themselves, and then I remind them of that and then they say, wow, I really did do that. And so I'm like the worst person that anybody could hope to have as a friend, any of my friends, if they ever tried to hold public office, because I remember everything. That the great anyway. So, but what I'm trying to say here is that I have a I have a really good, you know, memory of what happened and I have an I just remember things that have happened in the past, good things and you know, maybe not some, some good things, not good things too. But what was interesting is that I could always, if I thought about something, any type of event, I could always get there in my head. I could get there in my head. I could almost even smell the air and taste it from whatever point in history that I needed to remember, I wanted to remember, from whatever was going on. I could get there very quickly and I could like enjoy the event or feel it's sorrow or pain or tension or whatever it was, and then I could zip right back to present and get on with my life. But it was interesting when I after my my daughter was born, I found it increasingly more difficult to not remember the past. I could still remember anything that happened, but I couldn't get there mentally. Yeah, I just couldn't get there. It wasn't I couldn't attach myself to the past and I for a while I thought there was something wrong with me. But the reality is this. When you have kids, you're whipped into the present. You're there, you're so there. You're there whether you want to be there or not. You have to, because it's like a you know, it's like it's it's a ticking time bomb. You never know if it's when is when it's going to explode and you never know which way the ball is going to bounce. You are riveted to the present, so you don't have time or the wherewithal the or the mental capacity to get back to the past. It's not it's just not something that that's important anymore, not an operate. And so when you're dealing with a group of people and and and one of them is is just tethered to the past in such a way that it's just unshakable and unbreakable, it's kind of hard for you to kind of get there with them, especially when you got a little one, because now you're living for the present, yeah, and the future, and the future, like you're really thinking a lot about you know, your mind really yeah, goes to school, yeah, colledge, Merrit like all these things. Like I find myself going like, you know, and the girls are still young, but I'm like, do I have enough saved for weddings? Sure, right, these are these are all right. Right. You know, I like I got plenty of time to worry about that. But like, why is that like on my mind on at noon? On it because they're gonna say they're gonna fucking clean you out. That's why this is what I'm worried about. All right, we're going to take a quick break, play a couple commercials. You know, download some other episodes. DADS would swagcom you can find all our past episodes. Follow us on Instagram, at your coach on twitter, at your coach on if you got any show ideas or you know someone you want to have on the show, feel free to email me. Shan, Shan Alfonsocom I love to get back to charity. Sometimes I find it hard to just cut a big check. I get so busy with the wife and kids. I'm more of a set it and forget it kind of guy. That's why I love the Angel Club. I can pick the amount I want taken out of my checking account every month. I never see the money, so I never miss the money and I could always feel good knowing I'm giving back every month. If you want to join the Angel Club, just go to Pierce Family foundationcom Yo. Fellas, did you know that forty percent of men can't stay hard long enough to please their lady, even the swaggiest of men can't fake an erection. Lucky for you, I have a swagged out VIP entrance types of Ouan. It's called for hymnscom, a onestop shop...

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...like, what do you think about that, Ronnie? Yeah, I mean it's a you know, it's a stay together for the kids, right. So, yeah, let me's IT'S A it's I mean that's a it's interesting topic. I think you've got a lot of forces at play in different in different homes and all sorts of different dynamics and I think we can both agree that if there's some or any type of, you know, volatile or or violent or unsafe set of circumstances in a house, in a household, where where there needs it needs to be disbanded, certainly the safety of the children or, you know, even their parents respectively, deaf in any in any sort of setting, is extremely important. But you do have this, you know, you've created this family dynamic in the in the in the in the the theme is to keep that sacred and intact and and try to, you know, work with what you have and if you're, you know, in a you feel like, you know, maybe what you're saying here is that, you know, if you're just not happy in your marriage and in all of a sudden, now you've brought children to the world, do you sort of see them through to their to the point where they, you know, migrate out of the House and then you can sort of take care of yourself afterwards? But you don't know. I don't know. Even then, that doesn't you know, you hear a lot of people say, Oh, you know, we'll wait sort of kids are out of college. Yeah, but that's what I'm saying. That doesn't that doesn't fix the situation either. You know, wife, these parents kind of did that and we're still dealing with the craziness of it. It doesn't. I don't think it ever stops, because you think you still have college graduations, then you have, you know, the holidays. Then once your children have children, you have the birth of those grandchildren, you have their birthdays, you have the weddings in the baptisms and all of this shit for generations. And we're definitely not talking about like, you know, husbands are wives. They're like beating on the children or the other person because they're not getting invited to these events anyways. Right like if, if, if the MOM is abusive to the husband, you're not in you're not inviting mom over to mother's Day Brunch. This is more for like the ninety nine percent of divorces that happened because someone's feelings got hurt or someone's not getting the emotional attention that they think they deserve, or the spouse is fucking not unloading the dishwasher or taking the crash right, like yeah, that's what. That's what a lot of a lot of the divorces these days. Or the infidelity, right, like the Oh he cheated on me or she cheated on me. Like I think the majority of that infidelity that can be worked through as well. Like, if you know we're in this forever, then you're willing to spend the year or two it takes to work through that infidelity. Like, okay, why did you cheat on me? You know what, what are you missing in your because, and that's the thing to us, like that statement, you know, he cheated on me or she cheated on me, that's a false statement, because they didn't do it to you, they did it to themselves, like there's something within themselves that needs to be filled. So people, I think, might be more willing to work on Shit. Yeah, I mean it's like it's like any plane crash, right, or any sort of tragic event. It's not just one thing that happened, it's a series of things. Yeah, that leads up to the ultimate event, right. So you got to go back and look at whatever it was that that's leading up to this ultimate decision or move that you've made. On the you know, on the and I understand what you're saying, on the flip side of that, I'll also say that, you know, if you're in an if there's an unhappy household, yeah, and it they sort of in that negative undertone sort of permeates everything that's going along. Children are very receptive. Yeah, and they see that and they feel that and they know that. And you know, I mean what's worse seeing your parents live and in the same house sort of estranged from each other...

...and not and not loving and not and you don't have that feeling of family unity, or having a you know, a drains up and frank discussion and and two people move on to happiness because they realize they really weren't meant to be together. You know, I could see it, but I could see it both ways. But at the same time, you know, is it is it? Is it worse for a child to be in a household through their childhood knowing that there's this tension in the air that you could just, you know, cut with a knife and then looking back on it and staying yeah, well, you know my you know my parents just they just suffered together for all those for all those years, but they never should have been together. And that I don't know what that says to the to the child as they're growing up in what kind of relationships they end up manifesting with people. Yeah, I don't know. This is why you got to know who the hell you're marrying exactly. Yeah, it might tell you might, it might teach the younger generation. Put in more research on this relationship. Put in more time, yeah, put before you run down the aisle at twenty four years old, put in the fucking time. Wait till you're thirty four. Live with someone for ten years. I'll tell you where you have kids like. Wait till you're older in life and you really you've worked on yourself enough, so you know what you want in a spouse, what you want in a parent, a Co parent. Couldn't have said it better, you know. Yeah, you can't. I mean this is why you can't haul off. I mean, of course you can, and lightning. You could trap lightning at a bottle. Maybe it works out for you, but I just could tell you from my own experience that, yeah, you know, I didn't. I wasn't. I don't even feel like I was fully developed cognitively when I got married the first time. Yeah, and and I made a bad decision, you know, and somebody, and I've made a couple of those in my life. It happens, you know. But but I think somebody was looking out for me, because there is this unique set of facts that enabled me to jettison that and get on with my life. And you patually knew deep down inside I don't want to have kids with this woman. I'd like. I did. Yeah, you, I did, and I think that's the point to where you know, wait five years, be married for five years before you start having kids. But I think what too many couples do in relationships is they're married for a couple of years it starts going south. There like Oh, let's bring a kid into this situation. Decision you can make, gonna make it better? No, and then it's like it's still shitty. So they're like, well, maybe two kids so we're not stressed out worrying about this kid, you know, and then it's like that doesn't work and it's like, Oh, let's go remodel our house or buy a new house. That'll make us happy, and then you realize after fucking ten years, none of this shit made you happy? It doesn't. None of it made you happy before you chose to have the kids. So now, in my opinion, you should just be fucking miserable, like you brought it upon yourself. Yeah, I mean it, you know, right, becauat it's alway. Yeah, and like you were saying, like you know, does it get to the point where you know the parents are miserable and there's this cloud and should they just leave so they can both be happy? But are both of them ever truly happy, or does one always turn out happier than the other? You know? So now you got one happy parent and one full there's a lot. Yeah, miserable parent, there's there's a lot there. I mean, I mean in anyone and anyone ever. You know, not that many people ask me for my, you know, family advice. I don't feel I don't feel like. You know, I don't feel like we're old enough for people ask us about her family advice, but we're getting there. It's our show. They yeah, that's right, that's right, that's right. I got grey hair anyway. So I feel like I you know, you want to he a great hair people can ask you for advice. Right now. I get yeah, anyway, so I got gray hair, but no, if anyone ever asked me, you know what, you know, any advice you could give. And I have been asked just, you know, tongue in cheek couple times, I say this. I said I like this and I can't give you advice on parenting because every child's different, every households different and every time, you know, family dynamics are different. But I can tell you one thing, and this is, I think, in disputable and I think you'll agree with me,...

...is that before you have kids, you better make sure that your marriage is rock fucking solid. Yeah, rock solid I mean, because you're going to have to lean on each other and ways you never thought possible. And if you've, if you can put your head down your pillow at night and know that your that your marriage is just cast in cement and you've got a really good partner and and and and you know that you're a good partner to them, that's a good foundation for taking the next step. But if you're looking at it like what you were saying about using it as a as sort of, you know, to something to to mask over other problems or just because you feel like, you know, I someone told me the other day. They said, Oh, these this talking about some other couple of ares. So, oh, they they need, they really need to have children, you know. And and the undertone of that was they need to have children because there's there's some other sort of inconsistencies going on there. Whatever. I don't know. Yeah, but that's actually, you don't need to. They don't, sus it. Yeah, you should know. They don't. He take a step back there. They what they needed a good divorce attorney, Susan. Yeah, they need because a child doesn't save a marriage. Know that. You were saying. Yeah, if there's one crack in the foundation, a child or or anything like that is going to Expo ow's the cracks and that foundation. It's just going to you know, spots and all. It's just going to expose everything that's going on. They will find you out. You will be you will be found out, and I mean it's just it's like, you know, they where they're draining the swamp. You have a kid, yeah, you use your swamps drained. You're exposed. Definitely. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, that's it it and it gets like it get to me it personally gets to a point of selfishness. You know, it gets to the point of selfishness when you know one spouse is like well, I deserve happy. Like me, for instance, my first marriage, I would have ride or died till the end of time. Like I wasn't in the greatest marriage of all. I wasn't a hundred and ten percent happy and satisfied and everything that I needed, but I wasn't completely miserable. I had the skill set to make myself happy in life, do things that made me happy, experiences that made me happy, and I would have stayed in that forever. Like would never have gotten divorce, would have never left my ex wife. Would a went to therapy and fought as hard as I possibly could once we had kids, because at that point it was no longer about me, it was no longer about my axe, it was no longer about that marriage. Would it was. It was about the kids, right, and I had the fourth sight of seeing, well, not only is about these kids today, but it's about these kids it plays and sporting events and graduations and weddings and the birth of their children and those new birthdays and those new graduations. You know, and has a lot of extenuated circumstances, so many. It's like it's generational. And how selfish would it be for me or my ex to say, you know what, generationally, I'm going to make every single one of those fucking events completely, completely awkward, right and and and it's crazy. And then, like, you know, my ex decides to take it to the you know, next step. And Mary, you know, her side piece, which is, you know, once my girls turn eighteen, I'm writing my book. Never marry your side piece, and I marry. I'm writing it, I'm putting it out. I can't get sued or lose custody of anything because the girls are old enough. But we could write it into the coverage darkness right now and they just they watch it when it just yeah, they're right there, boom, want you right when I have it turns eighteen. But it's like, not only did you make all these future events awkward with your selfishness, your desire for extreme happiness,...

...but then you put this other dynamic that made it even more awkward. Right, yeah, and you look at it and I'm like, man, and I don't like, you know, I don't know any of my exes friends today, but I would love to like sit down with them and get like their honest opinion, even if she can be honest with them. Maybe sit down with my ex and get her honest opinion, if she can be honest. Are you happier now? HMM, right, like, are you that much happier now then you were and the relationship you left? Like, is it that much greater? My and I thank God, like, if I had to answer that, I would be on to say, you know what, I'm probably fifty to sixty percent naturally happier, like I don't have to force it. I don't have to go out and find Softball Leagues and Bible Studies and Poker groups to like fill this happiness. Yeah, I mean, I think another question is, I mean when you when you know, when you get to the front door of the house, before you walk in at night, are you're coming the garage or ever door you come in, do you have to take a deep breath before you walk in the door? Yeah, Boor do you take a sigh relief once you get on the other side of that door? Yeah, and I think that's kind of a good litmus tests to whether or not you've got a strong relationship, and I see, I mean I see, I listen to everything you're saying and I understand everything you're saying. I'm also saying that if someone who's very impressionable, it has young mind, a child, through going growing up, going through adolescence and and all the rest of it, if they if you, if you, if you stay together by, you know, shoe strings, you know just, you know, just loosely staying together, and and they can read that situation, that they know that the parents are unhappy. What will that say to them? It's the only real adult role model relationship that they have, that they live with every day, and that sort of bakes into their you know, into their heads. How does that look for them when they're out trying to find somebody if they, you know, unfortunately, you know, H end up in some sort of bad relationship, and we've all been in them, you know, and and you. I think everybody does deserve the chance to be happy. But the question is, you're saying, the ingredients really there for you to achieve that, or is it better just to work with what you have? If there is some sort of positive, some sort of light at the end of the time? Yeah, yeah, I think. Yeah, that and that's the thing. Is like, if you want that happiness and you want that for your kid, then create it right created in that family that you currently have, that you've made a commitment to by having children. Like create it, work your ass off. You know. That's the thing. It like you were saying what the airplane analogy. A marriage isn't horrible in six months to a year. It takes time, you bet, and you can't fix it in six months to a year. It's going to take time. If you want it and this is your goal to have this happy family dynamic, then you know, say you've been married for ten years, it's probably going to take you for five years to get to that goal with and I think you're also saying that in the in your in the examples that you're painting, that you have two people that will admit that things aren't right. Yeah, but two people that are willing to spend the time and make and keep the commitment to make them right correct. If you've got that, then you got a chance. You got a chance. Yeah, but the thing is that there's always that one person. Yeah, that's like, no, I want to cut bait. Yeah, because I want happiness right, and nine times out of ten they're the ones that end up less happy. Yeah, because they're still stuck in whatever they were unhappy with. Like I said, it's about yourself. It took me a few minutes to get full circle with you, but I'm with you. Yeah,...

...they're still they're unhappy with themselves and if they don't work on that, doesn't matter how many marriages they go through or how many, you know, kids they have, houses they buy, you never get past start. Yeah, yeah, totally do. This was a great episode. I loved having you on, man. Thank you. We gotta do yeah, we got to do this again. If you guys liked Ronnie, give us a shout. Let us know. If you have any other topics that you want him and out to talk about, let us know. Email me, Sean Shan Alfonsocom hit me up on Instagram at your coach, Sean, and we're going to have you back again. May We got to think of some other topic. Well, I'm looking forward to it. I'm I love to hear if anybody has ideas of what they want to hear is rap about. I'd love that. All it sounds good and we out. Thanks for listening. To Daz with swag sick out new episodes every Thursday. Go on Dad's with swagcom and download past episodes.

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